I think the root of my social anxiety came from high school, where I started to be slightly self-conscious of my looks. That part wasn’t the problem though; I started to fear walking on the streets by myself because I feared that people in their cars would judge me as they drove past.
Yeah, it’s a ridiculous thought. But to me, it was serious. Just imagining what they might think as drivers drove past me. It defined the pathway I took to walk home from school. Every time I saw a car appear, my heart skipped a beat, it would be hard to breathe, and I would feel uptight until the car drove safely past me.
Weirdly though, I would be fine if I had SOMEONE else who walked with me. So when I walked home from school with my friend(s), I felt safe. I think it was because in those times, I knew I wasn’t the minority in the situation. Having my friends gave me an extra presence. I don’t know if that makes sense to you.
But from here my anxiety grew little by little. Mainly, I started to fear to be in areas with heaps of people; again, because I feared that I would be judged by anyone who would lay their eyes on me. But interestingly, I felt safer if someone else was with me. Or if I had some control or authority within the place.
It’s like this comparison. During our high school assemblies, if I had to walk in front of everyone I would be highly self-conscious and my anxiety symptoms would appear. But then if I was giving a presentation in front of the students, I wouldn’t have the same anxious feelings because I felt confident and in control of the position that I was in.
Or when I would walk into a restaurant. Walking in, I would feel anxious at the thought of people looking at me and judging me. But then when I would find my friends and sit down with them, my anxiety disappeared because I felt safe and in control.
Anyway, that’s what my anxiety was.
And then I went to university. Somewhere along the line, I was casually talking to my friend and mentioned how I feared to be in situations where people might judge me. And then that friend said “oh, so it’s like social anxiety!”
Before that, I didn’t even realise a term existed for what I had. I just explained what I had with the whole mouthful of words from above, but now I could summarise it into these two words! Of course, I wasn’t exactly PROUD of this, but it was fascinating to realise that I wasn’t alone in feeling something like this.
The definition of social anxiety from the Social Anxiety Institute is in the exact words of “Social anxiety is the fear of being judged and evaluated negatively by other people, leading to feelings of inadequacy, inferiority, self-consciousness, embarrassment, humiliation, and depression.”
EXACTLY. Sadly, apparently it is the third largest mental health care problem; it is more common than we may think.
But I would say I only have specific social anxiety, since it only appears in situations where I feel like the minority.
At university, this would be situations like walking into a filled lecture room, walking through the quad, crossing the road, going onto a bus, or more specifically for me as an engineer; walking through the computer labs or leech study area. Ho my, just at the thought it makes my heart race. I HATE having to walk through the computer labs in search for a free computer. Or having to walk around the Leech looking for my friends.
But then when I give a presentation, or run an event, or have a specific role in the open area, or have someone else with me, I feel safer.
OH. There’s interestingly actually a term for the fear of being in open spaces, which I only found out at the beginning of this year.
“Agoraphobia”: fear of open or public places. Or more specifically, “abnormal fear of being helpless in a situation from which escape may be difficult or embarrassing that is characterised initially often by panic or anticipatory anxiety and finally by the avoidance of open or public places.”
I do understand that my social anxiety is a mild type compared to others. Some others may even get anxiety attacks or panic attacks in my situations. Or see themselves as a burden on others. Or they may fear situations like being introduced to other people or be in the centre of attention. They may even be prevented from even leaving the house because of their social anxiety.
For those who don’t know or understand what anxiety is, it’s like this. It’s a notch up from being ‘nervous’. Are you afraid of something, or have a fear? Think about how you feel when you are facing that fear. Public speaking? Spiders? Height? These may be the most common and relatable examples.
When you are scared of heights and are made to bungee jump, what are the thoughts and feelings that go through your mind? As you put on the harness. As you ride up the elevator, metre by metre getting closer to the platform. As your trembling legs manage to get you off the elevator and you see the wide, open view in front of you. As you try to get the courage to step closer to the edge, while they connect you to the cord. As they ask you to put your feet on the edge of the platform.
How do you feel through all of this?
You may feel nervous or restless. You may feel like you’re in danger, and you dread for the moment when you have to jump. Your heart is thumping intensely inside your ribcage. Are you hyperventilating, too? You may sweat, and tremble. You may feel weak, and have difficulty focusing. Your extremities may tingle, and you may not feel them.
I hope this was relatable to the majority of you. For your information, I am a person who is least afraid of heights so I personally can’t relate to this situation, and so if you don’t too; try to think of another fear that you have.
So this is what anxiety feels like. It’s what your body goes through when you think you’re in danger. Just like the fight-or-flight response mechanism your body has. BUT anxiety is when you get these when there ISN’T actually an imminent danger in front of you.
Like for my social anxiety- is there actually a danger that threatens me when I go through a large public area with a lot of people?
Last year my engineering company allowed me to use the EAP Services through them. This is like a counselling service for people in the workforce! You can access their service if your company is affiliated to them.
And oh, how much knowledge and understanding I gained from this service.
I was assigned a professional, who gave me an insight into how Anxiety affects someone.
He said when someone with anxiety recalls a situation in their head, there’s the ‘Story’ that is told but also a ‘what really happened’ side to the story. Ideally, there shouldn’t be too much difference between the two. But for people with anxiety, like me, the difference is huge. As in, the Story in my head is very different from the actual facts of the situation. The Story isn’t as accurate as it could be. The cost of this is my self-expression, energy and relationship with others.
And this Story building up in our heads is what triggers our anxiety into an attack.
We are made powerless by Anxiety.
But it shouldn’t be like this. We shouldn’t be made powerless by Anxiety. We shouldn’t let our head’s Story define the actual situation. We should take control of our own situation and gain 100% responsibility from it.
This is done by accepting & dealing with the situation.
And with gaining 100% responsibility, a positive direction of the situation is triggered.
We get to choose how to take in the situation.
Then it leads to the right set of actions taken.
This allows us to be powerful and in control of our own situation.
So to repeat what we just learnt and understand deeper, I’ll put my own situation into the story.
So about my worries and anxiety about walking through a large, public area.
What is the ACTUAL situation?
I am just a normal, one of the many people who are using the area. I don’t stand out, so there is no reason for others to fix their eyes on me, or judge me. My fear is not justified by what is actually happening as I walk through this large, open area.
But what is my Story in my head?
Before I enter the area, I start panicking. My heart beats faster, I feel anxious. I’m scared to walk through the area. What if people look at me? What if they think I’m weird or different? What if they judge me? Do I stand out? Oh gosh, I wish I could just quickly go through and get it over and done with. I hate this.
Learning about how to cope is understandable and logical. But unfortunately, it’s not as easy to put it into action. It needs practice.
These days, rather than letting social anxiety control me, I try to take control of it. It’s kind of like pep-talking to myself, because I reassure myself with thoughts like ‘it’s okay’, ‘I don’t stand out’, ‘people aren’t looking at me’, ‘I’ll get to my friends soon’ and ‘it’s not a big deal’.
These do help, but it’s not quite there at the point where I have full control of my social anxiety.
It also really helps for people around those with social anxiety to understand what it is that they are going through.
First of all, don’t belittle it. It is not just a matter of being shy, or not something you can just say ‘toughen up’ to.
Try to understand it through your perspective. Again, if you have difficulty doing so- try picture yourself in a situation of fear.
Encourage them without pressure, and be a good example to them.
Be the listening ear for your friend, and sometimes silence is all they need while they explain. It’s sometimes hard for people with social anxiety to talk about their feelings, especially feelings that relate to the fear of being judged. Sometimes just being there for someone and not saying anything can be the greatest gift you can give.
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