“It wouldn’t be surprising if an actress like her commits suicide”, my cousin so simply let those words slip out from his mouth as we watched a drama award ceremony on tv tonight. I was dumbfounded when I heard that, and I said to not DARE say such heavy words so carelessly about another person.

And do you know what he said? He demanded why I challenge his words, when he has the right to say anything he wants. And inside my head in the moment, I was just utterly unimpressed that I had to deal with such an attitude.

He said that he didn’t want to deal with my simple mind trying to challenge him. And so with my seemingly “simple-mind”, I didn’t want to question him further.

Not because I didn’t have anything to say to him, but because I didn’t want to waste my precious time and efforts and emotions to invest them into the wrong situations.

And at 3am here supposedly starting a fresh new year, there’s no one that I can rely on, that I can talk to hear reassuring words from, to know I can have someone I can freely lean on without any worries or judgements.

So I am trying so hard to write my emotions out onto words. Because that is my most reliable way to cleanse my thoughts when I am stuck here in this suffocating world. Three more days left to go in this hell.

He asked why I had to be so sensitive with things related with celebrities. He was also referring to when I got sensitive over him mentioning the death of Jonghyun.

But I couldn’t let something like that slip away by being silent and so I said suicide was a sensitive topic for me, and that even if it wasn’t- it shouldn’t be a topic so lightly mentioned, especially when talking about someone else.

But I forgot I was dealing with a Korean.

I am not a person who would dare be discriminating but I can’t help but to categorise Koreans further into their own specific descriptive words. This is because of the variety of experiences I had during my time here that built up, and tonight is one of those experiences that make me add to my categorisation. If you would question me on this stance, I will be more than happy to lightly elaborate on those wishes but I will not delve into much more of this into here though and I apologise if these words are taken with offense.

He questioned what’s wrong with him saying that. (about the actress with potential to suicide.)

What’s wrong?

What’s WRONG???

If anyone had even a small sense about respect and appreciation in life, then it would be a given to not say such words.

If anyone had even the littlest knowledge of depression or suicide, they wouldn’t dare say such words.

If he had enough decency to acknowledge he was talking to ME- a person who is coping with depression, would the story have been any more different??

I’m not expecting any consideration towards me. That’s not why I showed sensitivity towards his words. I’m not that ‘selfish’.

But it is a given to not speak carelessly of another person’s life and death situations in Korean culture. To respect the subject of life. To be honest, it would be a given in ANY society.

So why does he think he has the full rights to accuse me of being ‘selfish’ for speaking my words?

Was it really wrong for me to stand up for something I thought had to be questioned?

I’m an influencer. I cannot stand being a powerless bystander in any situation. If I see something that is clearly morally or ethically wrong, I just can’t help but to try influence the situation and to stand up for my beliefs.

But being so forward with my stance can sometimes do more harm than good for me, because not everyone likes a person who speaks their mind. I’ve received plenty of hate and criticism in the past for this personality of mine but I don’t turn a deaf ear to it. I acknowledge the effects of my words, but I still keep standing strong against my beliefs and believe that there has to be someone who is brave enough to speak my thoughts. Even if it may or may not be the truth or the objectively right thing to say.

And this situation was just unfortunately one of those that I had to deal with.

I’ll just get straight onto letting out my thoughts about what he said. I don’t think the sentences that come next will have any chronological order but I gotta let some of these thoughts out. I always have plenty of words I have to say about myself. If anyone would have any questions, I have plenty to say to them. My god I do have plenty.

“What’s wrong with what I said?” my cousin demands.

What’s wrong with mentioning suicide??

What’s wrong with saying “I wouldn’t be surprised if someone like her commits suicide”??

What’s wrong with associating an innocent person with a topic that is so heavy??

What’s wrong with me questioning him??

There are so many things wrong.

I will try sentence my words as objectively as I can do it can be understandable to anyone. No emotions involved. Just with this sentence. I’ve already mentioned it numerous times above but if anyone is still wanting a clear answer:

It was wrong for him to associate an innocent person with such a heavy topic as suicide because it is primarily disrespectful to talk about another person’s life and death situations, when especially coming from a perspective that does not fully comprehend the seriousness of suicide.

Still don’t understand? Then I’ll willingly give a few of my own insights. I hate pulling out the whole ‘my life is worse than yours’ card but i just want to let out myself onto here.

Do you know what it feels like to go to depression?

Do you understand the seriousness of it?

Do you know what if feels like to find it difficult to get out of bed every day?

Do you know what it feels like to not see light at the end of ‘the tunnel’?

Do you know what it feels like, to struggle to see a purpose in life?

Do you know how it feels to be worthless to the world, and feel like there is no one that understands and no one is on your side?

Do you know how much effort I am putting into hanging onto my own life?

Do you know how much I am trying to find a purpose to live and carry on?

But do you also know what it feels like, to want to die right now? To want to disappear from this world. To give up. To quit everything. Because it’s just not worth the flight.

I don’t have extremely bad suicidal thoughts myself, but it still makes me feel uncomfortable at the thought that some others actively plan and complete suicidal acts. Don’t you, too?

Whenever you hear about a suicide, have you ever questioned yourself ‘how hard must it have been for them? For them to give their lives up? What were they going through? What could have been done? How serious is depression? What even is it? What if it was someone I knew? What if it was me?’

For me, I sincerely wonder about other things too. How hard must that person have struggled? How hard was it for them to struggle to carry on, and for them to weigh their thoughts out and conclude the judgement that dying would be better than living?

To let death outweigh their whole life’s potential?

Suicide is no joke, and it is not a topic to be lightly talked about. It especially doesn’t give anyone any convenience to talk about it because it may not relate to you. And this especially goes for when we talk about celebrities too. This opens up a whole new topic, which will hopefully be discussed in another post.

But for now, at least I feel slightly more calm and peaceful after writing my thoughts out. Time to somewhat get some sleep now.

I hope everyone else have started off their year in a much more optimistic way than me.

Happy new year.