Tonight I exploded at my extended family. Long story short, I came to Korea to receive a second opinion by a private health care doctor to see if my diagnosis of centrally mediated pain syndrome could differ. Mum, as a desolate mother, was distraught to hear that what I have may not be treatable; to not have a cure. Hence she wanted me to come here and to try out alternative options as potential solutions.

But the thing is- I am incredibly aware of where I am at with my physical and mental health at this point in time. I am at an acceptance with what I have, what it is, what my options are, what I can do, what I can’t do, what I want, what I don’t want, and what is in the future for me. I am at a point where I have suffered and experienced through the difficult and violent storm where I was in the unknown and where I was learning about myself and what I am suffering through. It’s calm at this point in time. I’m calm. I am at peace.

And the most irritating thing is when someone attempts to tell me what to do, or challenges my stance on my own health.

There is so much, so so much I want and have to say. To justify myself. So much. But not everyone has the capacity or capability to understand and empathise with me. So I just live on with this muted frustration that my voice cannot be heard. But I attempt to break the thick wall between me and everyone else by writing for this blog. And between so many others out there too that relate with my mental health struggles.

And I want to rage out my frustration tonight onto words. Today was the day my family crossed the line for me, where their ‘worries’ and ‘generosity’ reached a limit I could not bear with further.

My theory is that different people develop wisdom in life at different rates with different experiences. We make mistakes or go through tough times and then we recover, learn from the experiences and then progress with life with the wisdom and empathetic intelligence gained. I congratulate and incredibly applaud and respect those who can relate with this, for coping so well until now and becoming equipped with the ability to overcome these hardships. But the unfortunate thing for these people is that not everyone is at their level of wisdom and empathy in life. Not everyone has the capability to sympathise or empathise with these people. And so these people have to LOWER their emotional standards to match with the people they interact with.

If that all wasn’t understandable for you, then I’ll further describe this in terms of myself. I have suffered through a lot, I have gained so much from all this, I have learnt so much, and I have changed so much from all this hardship. My level of empathy and wisdom in life are incredibly high for someone at my age because of this. But not all the people around me can understand my perspectives because they are not equipped with the emotional skills. And therefore I have to lower myself to match to the emotional level of whoever I interact with. It involves me hiding my deeper, truer self, which essentially means I have to put a facade on all the time.

And to continue on with the story. My family are trying to enforce things onto me that they think are the best, which I know to be not. It was a compromise for me to come to Korea and have that one consulting session for a second opinion. But they have been discussing all sorts of further options and information behind my back without informing me. Without informing the very person of the subject of their intentions. I feel scammed. Disrespected. Angry. So, incredibly angry. Without the medical facts to back up their arguments, they are making all sorts of assumptions and hence decisions. That is what angers me the most. They assume that they are doing what is ‘best’ for me, without the accurate information to back themselves up and without considering me.

They did not once ask of my own opinions or wishes. They do not understand that they are foolishly going through the process of finding a solution for me, when I already struggled through all that earlier on this year. They are going through that tough storm right now, when I have actually made it through already. I say all this after my own understandings of my mum’s and extended family’s perspectives and intentions. Of course I am incredibly thankful and grateful for their attention, worries and generosity. But their intentions are worthless to me. I am my own independent body who have come far with my health and don’t need to be lead by others. I have grown up learning to be a responsible and independent woman and I will not allow others to consider themselves to be better decision-makers than me.

I had an anxiety attack amongst tonight’s argument too. That was horrible. My heart wrenched and pained at my frustration and intense anger. I felt incredibly dizzy as I hyperventilated involuntarily. My head hurt from the lack of oxygen. My limbs felt fuzzy and numb and disconnected from my body. I couldn’t stop crying. I was incredibly angry, but I didn’t know how to subside it. I felt so lifeless after it ended.

And now I am just in bed pouring my thoughts out onto words to help cleanse my head. Particularly tonight I feel the strong desire to get my disturbed thoughts onto words for people to read. Perhaps there will be more I want to add onto this tomorrow when I reread what I wrote at this time of 3am. But for now, this was the gist of my continuous flow of thoughts after what happened tonight.

I wonder how many people will read this in the exact intentions I want my words to be understood by.