4. Where do (should) I go to seek help?
(This is the fourth out of a series of seven posts that I wrote for the Faculty of Engineering’s Women in Engineering [WEN] association, for Mental Health Awareness Week, 2017)
I’m going to change this question to “Where should YOU go to seek help?”.
People with depression tend to withdraw ourselves from people around us, partially because we feel like no one will understand anyway, or we don’t want to be a burden to our friends/family by reaching out and talking to them. It is also because our motivations to socialise heavily decrease, so we end up hiding in our shell and avoid going out and interacting with people.
This is ironic, because we need good levels of serotonin in our body to maintain our happiness level, sadness level, anxiety level, and so much more. And one of the ways this is done is to create and maintain “meaningful connections” with people around us who matter.
But what these people; WE, have to realise, is that if we continue to pull ourselves away from people and continue to shut ourselves off from reaching out for help, we are just isolating ourselves more. We dig ourselves deeper and deeper into our ’dark tunnel’, taking ourselves further away from being able to catch even a glimpse of the bright light of hope at the end.
Last year when I was constantly going through 9 out of 10 pains every day and struggled to cope with the chronic pains, I chose not to tell anyone about it. A third because I knew, that no matter how hard I tried to describe what my pains felt like and expressed how much I was in pain, I knew my friends wouldn’t be able to sympathise with me. I have had those few instances where I felt their perceptions were something like “back pains? How bad could they possibly be, you’re only 22” or “toughen up, it’s not only you who is having a hard life”. Another third because I could clearly see that when we had tests one day, assignments due the next and exams coming up, these engineering friends of mine were challenged enough with trying to cope with all their own responsibilities. And so as a person who cares a lot about others, I couldn’t dare put my burdens onto someone else so I chose to stay silent. And the last third because there was simply NOTHING I could do to manage the pain, so I thought there was no ‘solution’ or point in expressing my struggles to my friends.
But I didn’t know that keeping silent would be so toxic later down my timeline.
No matter how much you may think that ‘no one will understand’, or that ‘no one cares enough about me to listen’ or ‘no one will care if I don’t exist anymore’, there are definitely, definitely people (however small or large the number may be) who DO really care about you to be willing enough to support you.
As we go through mental struggles, we have to take on the tough task of treating ourselves to recover. And on top of this, we’re faced with other hard challenges down the pathway too.
One of them is the job to find and filter out who is worth to keep by your side; and who isn’t. You have limited time, energy and mental strengths to spend in your current life, and they’re too precious to be spent on the wrong people. Through this journey of going through a mental illness, you’ll get to experience and learn who the ones are that really, truly, genuinely care about you. And also definitely the ones who aren’t. It will be tough, you will go through plenty of ups and downs during these efforts, but it will be completely worth it in the long run. Believe my words.
And so, friends are one of the pillars of support that you can lean on. Another is family. For those who grew up in a family where talking about these mental illnesses is considered normal- there is a high chance that your family will be supportive and understanding when a family member does go through a mental illness. But for those who grew up in a family with the traditional mind-set of mental illnesses, this will be a different story. There may be families who disregard mental illnesses as a true concern, or name them as being ‘weak’, or just generally treat the issue with a strong stigma. These family members may be less knowledgeable, understanding or empathetic when it does come to a family member suffering a mental illness. And I want to let these people know that it IS okay to not have to be pressured to tell your family, or use them as a pillar of support. It IS okay to not rely on them, or hope to receive support from them. If it will mean you are going to go through more emotional struggles to let your family know, then it is completely acceptable for you to not go through that struggle. There are other pillars you can lean on.
And this is where professional support comes into play. If you are attending the University of Auckland, then you have access to SIX FREE SESSIONS a year with a University Health Service counsellor. If you are in the workforce, your company may be using the service called EAP (Employee Assistance Programme), which is a counselling service for members in the workforce. If you are a general member of society, you can approach your GP and tell them of your mental struggles. Then they can refer you to the public Mental Health Centre where you can have FREE access to their psychologists, psychiatrists and mental health nurses.
With my case, I have readily available access to all three services. I am so thankful that my University Health Service counsellor was the initial professional who started my ball rolling towards recovery. I am so thankful that my engineering company offered to allow me to use the EAP services, because I learnt so much through my counsellor about anxiety. I am incredibly thankful that I have sessions with a mental health nurse every week to see my progress and work on coping tools like Mindfulness and ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy). I am so, so thankful that I have monthly sessions with a psychiatrist to discuss and deal with my current cognitive, memory and speech struggles due to a combination of my physical health, depression and anxiety acting on my brain. I am incredibly grateful and thankful for all these services that are available to support me and so many others struggling with mental illnesses.
Mental illnesses ARE real, and not to be taken lightly. It’s a definite concern in society as it affects many aspects of the individuals, and in large scale; the whole community.
You are NOT alone in this journey. You are not worthless, and your life is not meaningless. You have such great significance as a person within your current family, current degree, current job, and current life. And you have huge potential as a person in your future family, future jobs, and future life.
Believe those words, believe me, and take that first courageous step towards your better change. Choose any pillar of your choice, and begin your own journey towards recovery.
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