“Inspiriteur”

[ɪnˈspɪrɪtəː]

I have been wanting to start this for almost half a year now, but being one who is useless at beginning things, it is only now I am launching this project for myself, and for you all.

When I wrote my post in March on my thoughts on the suicide rates in New Zealand, some of my dear friends encouraged me to start a blog. At the time I thought this was nonsensical- I never ever thought there would come a day when I’d start a blog, let along ENJOY writing. All throughout my life I’ve always been lacking in skills and confidence in writing, therefore even the thought of starting a blog didn’t cross my mind at all.

That is, until an incredibly thoughtful software engineering friend of mine approached me after reading the post and OFFERED to help me run a blog. I cannot thank him enough for suggesting this idea. I’m all about using my skills and knowledge to help anyone I can, and so to have this friend of mine approach me and offer to help me with his own skills is something I cannot thank him enough for.

But about this blog: there are various reasons why I wanted to start this.

I’m going through so many things in my life that it is starting to get to the point where I’m no longer able to contain it only within myself. It has caused me to put an incredibly huge façade on for everyone, to some more than others, and to be downright honest, I’m getting tired of it. I’m getting tired of carrying this on, and tired of having to tell multiple people (those who thankfully are genuinely concerned for how I am) over and over again how I am going. So I want to be open about it now. No hiding from anyone anymore.

People, especially in engineering, probably think of me as a high achiever who is completely set with my purpose and direction in life, but it’s definitely not as easy or straightforward as you may think of me.

Some people have managed to figure it out through my social media posts, and some would have had no clue at all. But here’s my story in a nutshell:

In second year of university I started developing severe migraines, back, neck and shoulder pains, all for reasons that weren’t identifiable by my GP for two years. Then at the beginning of this year, I decided I was sick of going through my highly demanding engineering degree with my daily doses of excruciating pain. So therefore one week before university began in March, I decided to continue studying part time to lessen my academic load. With the extra time that I would have, I intended to focus on myself and actively search for the reason for the state of my physical health.

At similar times in the beginning of March I visited a musculoskeletal specialist and a university counsellor, and discovered that I actually had a centrally mediated chronic pain syndrome, and have been suffering with chronic depression for as long as I’ve been having these physical pains for. I also developed anxiety throughout the year.

And therefore in this story of mine, this blog comes into play.

My visions for this blog are quite ambitious. Throughout this year I’ve gotten to learn more about myself, including my strengths and weaknesses. I have also managed to incorporate mindfulness into the way I think, and have developed an ability to see the depth (both the beauty and evil) in so many aspects of the world, beyond what most people at my age can see. With this perspective I want to write and share many of my flows of thoughts (a.k.a, gushy streams of consciousness) through this blog.

This will be like a public diary for me.

I want to share my journey about both my physical and mental health.

I want to write about myself and the difficult journey that I’m going through, in order to help you all. Some of what I write about may be relative to you, some may be a completely new experience for you to try to understand, but I would like to share them with you.

As much as I am giving up my dignity and privacy through this, I want to influence and inspire others with my stories- hence my name I chose for this blog. I aim to “embark on a journey to inspire and inspirit”, because as I mentioned in my post about NZ suicide rates, NZ unfortunately treats mental illnesses nowhere near as deeply as we should, and therefore a lot of us suffer more along the journey than we may need to. If everyone around us had enough awareness and were equipped with the right tools, we would be able to help not only ourselves, but also those around us.

Also, other than to talk about my health, this blog will be a platform for me to share my insights into various aspects of life such as travels, my engineering career, hobbies, among many others. And for those who are questioning the quote featured in my header, that too shall be explained in time. I am visioning to theme my whole blog around wellbeing and values, and hopefully you will be able to find out what I mean, in future posts from now on.

I know this journey of running this blog will bring me so many things, and I hope many of my friends out there can be a part of it with me.